Summary of today
-Nose bleed
-Drowned in work
-Need time alone
-Reading and finally finishing National Geo
-Learning leisurely about hormones
-Essay and reading due
-Physics homework deadline eating away at my time
. And ego.
-smell of sweat, bad breath, tardiness
-Still want to watch a certain movie
-Oscar awards (no sleep) hangover
-How's your week? Comment below.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Friday, February 20, 2015
Diary of a Procrastinator: Entry #4: Over-Bombardment....
It's 2 degrees outside, according to my thermostat.
And yet, I'm wearing a tank top and jeans.
How do I not feel cold?
This week, the workload is getting real. There are jerks everywhere, and some of them I've even sort of friended. But brushing off the sass is now a routine.
A lot of friends have chipped in recommendations and I've even received gifts from my loved ones of what material to read and listen to, to gain more knowledge in my major interest(s)/ career and worldly knowledge.
To get through the material, all of it, would literally take years to peruse.
On top of that, my friends are also chipping in all the different books to read, and movies to watch.
But first, before I get to those leisurely activities, first, my professors have piled on the essays, the homework, and the tests that I really could care less about.
I don't get why I am spending my whole life to prepare to have a career. I don't get how other people can work and eat like robots in school when all I really want to do, is learn what I want to learn, and spend the day learning the endocrine system and eat tons of protein.
It's hard to believe that I have stopped craving sugar nearly as much as I used to. In my school, we have 15 to 16 floors in each building. Half of the elevators do not work and it is either very hot or very cold in different sections of the campus.
I wear 3-4 layers. One downjacket. One heavy duty hoodie. One regular shirt. One tanktop. I carry a backpack which for many reasons, is heavy.
Walking up and down 20 flights of stairs and walking home and to school for 2 miles, plus the excessive coffee drinking and beauty sleep (8+ hours a day) hasn't really made me lose weight, but my arms are starting to look a lot more toned. My metabolism is a whole lot faster, and eating lean proteins and protein bars along with oatmeal and brown rice (yes, I still eat legit dessert (in smaller quantities)) hasn't really made a difference in terms of appearance, but I do feel a lot less hungry and irritated all the time.
I have been dying to finish the projects I started rather than starting something new.
Or someone new. It seems like people can change their minds pretty fast, for the better or for the worse. I feel like people my age are so scared about the real world outside college, and our problems like survival are so heavy that people in that type of situation pick something new to be angry about.
I'll post a link once I'm ready to show everyone what I've been working on. For now, though, is there any trivial dilemma in your life that gets you riled up? What action could you take to hit the core issue(s)?
Friday, February 13, 2015
Diary of a Procrastinator Entry 3B: Break time
Break time.
Today, I felt truly at peace. Until I got started with my homework. I find it hard to grasp what is going on and how to keep looking at the same problem without wanting to tear out any hair.
Every source of drama seems to pale in comparison to the giant pile of work that's in front of me.
Readings, problems, conjugations. In the spirit of Friday the 13th before Valentine's Day, it was inevitable to seek solace in sugar and caffeine from Starbucks.
It seemed that my typical cycle of the semester had sped up. Every former nemeses' had either little to no impact on my well being, and every assignment weighed on me, making me feel mentally tired and drowsy. Maybe it was just me, but maybe my personality was rubbing off on others. I heard a guy who does work study suddenly turn on his charm and talk to people. He talked to a little girl the way I usually would talk, and all these other people. He even apologized to one person and said, Sorry I'm a mess today. This dude never says sorry and used to disparage me when I said sorry. Maybe people can be impacted. Or maybe it's all in my head. Does it matter though? Of course not, because I am drenched with assignments. My organization had paid off, and I feel like I understand what I am learning in my math class.
I don't think anyone reads this blog. All my viewers must be myself checking this thing from time to time. But if anyone is, my question would be to those viewers: Do you think that you can influence others?
Today, I felt truly at peace. Until I got started with my homework. I find it hard to grasp what is going on and how to keep looking at the same problem without wanting to tear out any hair.
Every source of drama seems to pale in comparison to the giant pile of work that's in front of me.
Readings, problems, conjugations. In the spirit of Friday the 13th before Valentine's Day, it was inevitable to seek solace in sugar and caffeine from Starbucks.
It seemed that my typical cycle of the semester had sped up. Every former nemeses' had either little to no impact on my well being, and every assignment weighed on me, making me feel mentally tired and drowsy. Maybe it was just me, but maybe my personality was rubbing off on others. I heard a guy who does work study suddenly turn on his charm and talk to people. He talked to a little girl the way I usually would talk, and all these other people. He even apologized to one person and said, Sorry I'm a mess today. This dude never says sorry and used to disparage me when I said sorry. Maybe people can be impacted. Or maybe it's all in my head. Does it matter though? Of course not, because I am drenched with assignments. My organization had paid off, and I feel like I understand what I am learning in my math class.
I don't think anyone reads this blog. All my viewers must be myself checking this thing from time to time. But if anyone is, my question would be to those viewers: Do you think that you can influence others?
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Diary of a Procrastinator Entry #3: Balancing Act
Life had almost carried on back to its normal pace. Everyone had reconcilied in their own way. I'm finding a routine to manage my studies properly and spend time with my family.
Wherever sorrow had previously taken pace, peace and stability was now taking its course.
I abhor the phrase "taking its course". I don't think anything or anyone truly ends. I refuse to let go of the people who have changed my life forever. Relationships never take their course. God doesn't use people for it's own amusement. Hmm... says God. Let me take a nice girl and pair her up with someone who will give her hope and then suddenly take it away from her. But after all, I'm an atheist, and until recently I told everyone I was agnostic. Since God doesn't exist, my truth is my own reality, and God is within me. God says right now, that once people leave your life, your job to to recreate them in your head and carry on with a bigger path (which is something I wrote about in my past entry.)
I miss my best friend certain days but I know she's no longer reigning that title. She's on a cloud, in the distance, in a different dimension. She was always so confident and sure about herself and the world around her. Even when she felt lost, she never gave permission to anyone to take away her self worth.
I guess now that the person in my last entry (#2) has finally left, I've been spending this whole week finding a balance between living new adventures and fixing the problems I had previously created. Most of the time is spent studying and reading historical passages about Arabic culture (which are repetitive as hell) and studying the latest math course and statistics. There never seems to be enough time in one day to go through everything. Of course, within those courses, people are a lot more outgoing and I'm making new friends who I make some time to hang out with every day. All of them are from different backgrounds and have heavier responsibilities than I usually do. One of them is a young mom who is my age and is surviving on her own. She looks a lot happier than I do most days!
Due to my mercurial nature, I'm starting to get into fighting games, from console games to actual, physical shit. There's this club in my school where you fight outdoors and make your own shield and armor. They invited me to see their coronation. Although one side of me wants to desperately have time to have fun and not think about the crazy course load within the coming years, I know I can't fully commit to any of the fighting clubs for a long time. It's a struggle to commit to any work outside school, forget leisure.
Wherever sorrow had previously taken pace, peace and stability was now taking its course.
I abhor the phrase "taking its course". I don't think anything or anyone truly ends. I refuse to let go of the people who have changed my life forever. Relationships never take their course. God doesn't use people for it's own amusement. Hmm... says God. Let me take a nice girl and pair her up with someone who will give her hope and then suddenly take it away from her. But after all, I'm an atheist, and until recently I told everyone I was agnostic. Since God doesn't exist, my truth is my own reality, and God is within me. God says right now, that once people leave your life, your job to to recreate them in your head and carry on with a bigger path (which is something I wrote about in my past entry.)
I miss my best friend certain days but I know she's no longer reigning that title. She's on a cloud, in the distance, in a different dimension. She was always so confident and sure about herself and the world around her. Even when she felt lost, she never gave permission to anyone to take away her self worth.
I guess now that the person in my last entry (#2) has finally left, I've been spending this whole week finding a balance between living new adventures and fixing the problems I had previously created. Most of the time is spent studying and reading historical passages about Arabic culture (which are repetitive as hell) and studying the latest math course and statistics. There never seems to be enough time in one day to go through everything. Of course, within those courses, people are a lot more outgoing and I'm making new friends who I make some time to hang out with every day. All of them are from different backgrounds and have heavier responsibilities than I usually do. One of them is a young mom who is my age and is surviving on her own. She looks a lot happier than I do most days!
Due to my mercurial nature, I'm starting to get into fighting games, from console games to actual, physical shit. There's this club in my school where you fight outdoors and make your own shield and armor. They invited me to see their coronation. Although one side of me wants to desperately have time to have fun and not think about the crazy course load within the coming years, I know I can't fully commit to any of the fighting clubs for a long time. It's a struggle to commit to any work outside school, forget leisure.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Diary of a Procrastinator: Entry #2: Now what?
Confession. After the words came out, I fled the scene. The opposing party did not put up a physical resistance. Instead they stayed silent, neither acknowledging my presence nor wanting to change their ways.
I stood my ground, unintimidated by my surroundings. Slowly but calmly, the words spilled out, echoing the rage, and frustration I had toward their refusal to acknowledge my emotions as human. To them I was a creep, a weirdo, a stalker. All because I was so open and comfortable with them. In the past, I was lonely. I had the fantasy that they understood me more than anyone else could, but I, like many learned the hard way that I was nothing but an outcast.
Some of my message translated coherently. Some of my words just gushed out without a purpose except to get wiped out of my system, like vomit. No longer feeling suppressed, I realized that my journey with them had come to a physical halt. Their features that once caught my attention now blended in with the rest of the crowd. The person who I thought as flawless, and constantly trying to prove my worthiness. That impression was now cast free. And now my individual journey was revenge.
I guess that definition of vengeance is to live a richer, more beautiful, and empathetic life, in contrast to their rigid cold cubicle of a world. But moreover, my greatest competitor became myself, racing against the clock of life. It was dancing through the fire and extreme isolation that I realized was my reality.
Yet, they changed my life so extensively. I had achieved more than to convince them to keep me company. I had eaten their food, and put myself in their routine and methodology of becoming my most productive self. I had the confidence to know that my reality was the correct one, even if society deemed my values as 'invalid.' I could feel their blood flowing thru my veins because I allowed them to change me for the better, but it took me a while to recover from the fact that I was nothing to them.
And now, I'm learning about different cultures and trying to keep up with the workload and my dreams of working toward a fruitful life. Sometimes I enjoy it, and others I become overwhelmed by the depth of the material.
Either way, I'm alive.
I stood my ground, unintimidated by my surroundings. Slowly but calmly, the words spilled out, echoing the rage, and frustration I had toward their refusal to acknowledge my emotions as human. To them I was a creep, a weirdo, a stalker. All because I was so open and comfortable with them. In the past, I was lonely. I had the fantasy that they understood me more than anyone else could, but I, like many learned the hard way that I was nothing but an outcast.
Some of my message translated coherently. Some of my words just gushed out without a purpose except to get wiped out of my system, like vomit. No longer feeling suppressed, I realized that my journey with them had come to a physical halt. Their features that once caught my attention now blended in with the rest of the crowd. The person who I thought as flawless, and constantly trying to prove my worthiness. That impression was now cast free. And now my individual journey was revenge.
I guess that definition of vengeance is to live a richer, more beautiful, and empathetic life, in contrast to their rigid cold cubicle of a world. But moreover, my greatest competitor became myself, racing against the clock of life. It was dancing through the fire and extreme isolation that I realized was my reality.
Yet, they changed my life so extensively. I had achieved more than to convince them to keep me company. I had eaten their food, and put myself in their routine and methodology of becoming my most productive self. I had the confidence to know that my reality was the correct one, even if society deemed my values as 'invalid.' I could feel their blood flowing thru my veins because I allowed them to change me for the better, but it took me a while to recover from the fact that I was nothing to them.
And now, I'm learning about different cultures and trying to keep up with the workload and my dreams of working toward a fruitful life. Sometimes I enjoy it, and others I become overwhelmed by the depth of the material.
Either way, I'm alive.
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