As time progresses my heart turns into a hard piece of coal. The person, the one person who I kept running and coming back to decided to run away. Everything felt depressing. The books I read were sad. My classmates talk about killing themselves, and I share their sympathy. Please God. Just take away the pain.
Update:
Things are slowly starting to settle down now.
But evil lurks behind the surface. I have a test today and I am praying to God that I get a 90 or higher.
Please?
Friday, March 27, 2015
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Diary of a Procrastinator: Entry 7
At last the winter fled and daylight was creeping earlier and earlier. My mind was neckdeep into the semester. I had my physics exam today and I felt absolutely calm. It didnt matter how much i did or did not prepare. It was there, tonight, after my two grudging Arabic classes.
Those who I admired previously, were starting to get on my nerves a little. I still like them but they are constantly playing the field and I'm just bored of this repetitive pattern.
I have so many other classes to take, and I'm thinking of how to survive this semester.
i'm taking heavy pieces of information, and shredding them, reconsuming them piece by piece.
Those who I admired previously, were starting to get on my nerves a little. I still like them but they are constantly playing the field and I'm just bored of this repetitive pattern.
I have so many other classes to take, and I'm thinking of how to survive this semester.
i'm taking heavy pieces of information, and shredding them, reconsuming them piece by piece.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Entry #6B: Diary of a Procrastinator: Lipstick on pigs
It's been over a week since an entry.
Just as soon as the fire started to burn, by the end of the week that passionate feeling died a sudden and mysterious death.
I didn't even feel sad. I loved making new friends who I didn't have to constantly feel the need to prove my self worth to. But there's a greater battle to be fought and won, one having to do with academia rather than with ego.
My family and I seem to be drifting to seperate realms.
It's nothing personal, it's just us carrying about our lives
trying to keep up with the load of work.
There is a heavy platonic feeling, amidst us. No one has outright acknowledged its presence.
Suddenly, innocence is in full vogue, and the venereal feeling of yester-year was so last season.
Those who expressed feelings of lust, now cashed on their 'clean' appearence as their current image.
But I am not fooled. Sure, I could waste my time planning revenge, but instead I'm focusing on my own life.
Just as soon as the fire started to burn, by the end of the week that passionate feeling died a sudden and mysterious death.
I didn't even feel sad. I loved making new friends who I didn't have to constantly feel the need to prove my self worth to. But there's a greater battle to be fought and won, one having to do with academia rather than with ego.
My family and I seem to be drifting to seperate realms.
It's nothing personal, it's just us carrying about our lives
trying to keep up with the load of work.
There is a heavy platonic feeling, amidst us. No one has outright acknowledged its presence.
Suddenly, innocence is in full vogue, and the venereal feeling of yester-year was so last season.
Those who expressed feelings of lust, now cashed on their 'clean' appearence as their current image.
But I am not fooled. Sure, I could waste my time planning revenge, but instead I'm focusing on my own life.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Diary of a Procrastinator: Entry #6: INTIMIDATION NATION
It's that time of the month again.
No, not my period. It's that time where all the exams have taken full spin. It's come to a point where all my classes have assigned the heavier chunk of readings to torture us students more than we can imagine.
I'm literally holding my breath, hoping that my grades will not get sacrificed.
There is so much to cover, yet my friends all have time to text me some of the most interesting links I will ever find, from academia to pure perversion. I feel like when I try to respond with an equally strong link, they don't really see many of my material as cool.
One of my friends loves to argue with me, and that's kind of his method of starting a conversation.
I don't know why arguing turns me on so much, or why being called a bitch by him feels better than a compliment from a friend. I don't get why the highlight of my day is hearing a buzz from my phone and seeing a link he sent to me. I don't even remember the conversations I have with him, but I know that having them feels like I get to have a temporary escape route from how stressed I am about my future. I act calm and collected around my friends and my family, but that's only because I feel like i am too old to be pitied over. I don't want to give anyone sob stories anymore because I'm mature enough to hold my own weight.
I guess by going down the rabbit hole, there was no way in coming back up. Every text from him was a puzzle, a game, a mystery beckoning for me to solve it. Suddenly, just as fast as I started to make an impact, or some bout of progress, he wanted to pull out. I was sad and felt dejected. I wondered why feeling this bad was my new high. I didn't want to go to class today. No, I really didn't want to deal with another grade, anything really. My faith was being shaken by an upcoming exam that seemed to have approached way too fast. Texting and feeling like I didn't fit into my group of friends or smart, or validated as worthy initially made me feel closer to this new friend of mine. But he didn't want me either.
It all made sense though. He was never playing games with me. He was playing games with himself, and I was just the middle man.
No, not my period. It's that time where all the exams have taken full spin. It's come to a point where all my classes have assigned the heavier chunk of readings to torture us students more than we can imagine.
I'm literally holding my breath, hoping that my grades will not get sacrificed.
There is so much to cover, yet my friends all have time to text me some of the most interesting links I will ever find, from academia to pure perversion. I feel like when I try to respond with an equally strong link, they don't really see many of my material as cool.
One of my friends loves to argue with me, and that's kind of his method of starting a conversation.
I don't know why arguing turns me on so much, or why being called a bitch by him feels better than a compliment from a friend. I don't get why the highlight of my day is hearing a buzz from my phone and seeing a link he sent to me. I don't even remember the conversations I have with him, but I know that having them feels like I get to have a temporary escape route from how stressed I am about my future. I act calm and collected around my friends and my family, but that's only because I feel like i am too old to be pitied over. I don't want to give anyone sob stories anymore because I'm mature enough to hold my own weight.
I guess by going down the rabbit hole, there was no way in coming back up. Every text from him was a puzzle, a game, a mystery beckoning for me to solve it. Suddenly, just as fast as I started to make an impact, or some bout of progress, he wanted to pull out. I was sad and felt dejected. I wondered why feeling this bad was my new high. I didn't want to go to class today. No, I really didn't want to deal with another grade, anything really. My faith was being shaken by an upcoming exam that seemed to have approached way too fast. Texting and feeling like I didn't fit into my group of friends or smart, or validated as worthy initially made me feel closer to this new friend of mine. But he didn't want me either.
It all made sense though. He was never playing games with me. He was playing games with himself, and I was just the middle man.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Entry #5: Diary of a Procrastinator: Fear of the Unknown
Summary of today
-Nose bleed
-Drowned in work
-Need time alone
-Reading and finally finishing National Geo
-Learning leisurely about hormones
-Essay and reading due
-Physics homework deadline eating away at my time
. And ego.
-smell of sweat, bad breath, tardiness
-Still want to watch a certain movie
-Oscar awards (no sleep) hangover
-How's your week? Comment below.
-Nose bleed
-Drowned in work
-Need time alone
-Reading and finally finishing National Geo
-Learning leisurely about hormones
-Essay and reading due
-Physics homework deadline eating away at my time
. And ego.
-smell of sweat, bad breath, tardiness
-Still want to watch a certain movie
-Oscar awards (no sleep) hangover
-How's your week? Comment below.
Friday, February 20, 2015
Diary of a Procrastinator: Entry #4: Over-Bombardment....
It's 2 degrees outside, according to my thermostat.
And yet, I'm wearing a tank top and jeans.
How do I not feel cold?
This week, the workload is getting real. There are jerks everywhere, and some of them I've even sort of friended. But brushing off the sass is now a routine.
A lot of friends have chipped in recommendations and I've even received gifts from my loved ones of what material to read and listen to, to gain more knowledge in my major interest(s)/ career and worldly knowledge.
To get through the material, all of it, would literally take years to peruse.
On top of that, my friends are also chipping in all the different books to read, and movies to watch.
But first, before I get to those leisurely activities, first, my professors have piled on the essays, the homework, and the tests that I really could care less about.
I don't get why I am spending my whole life to prepare to have a career. I don't get how other people can work and eat like robots in school when all I really want to do, is learn what I want to learn, and spend the day learning the endocrine system and eat tons of protein.
It's hard to believe that I have stopped craving sugar nearly as much as I used to. In my school, we have 15 to 16 floors in each building. Half of the elevators do not work and it is either very hot or very cold in different sections of the campus.
I wear 3-4 layers. One downjacket. One heavy duty hoodie. One regular shirt. One tanktop. I carry a backpack which for many reasons, is heavy.
Walking up and down 20 flights of stairs and walking home and to school for 2 miles, plus the excessive coffee drinking and beauty sleep (8+ hours a day) hasn't really made me lose weight, but my arms are starting to look a lot more toned. My metabolism is a whole lot faster, and eating lean proteins and protein bars along with oatmeal and brown rice (yes, I still eat legit dessert (in smaller quantities)) hasn't really made a difference in terms of appearance, but I do feel a lot less hungry and irritated all the time.
I have been dying to finish the projects I started rather than starting something new.
Or someone new. It seems like people can change their minds pretty fast, for the better or for the worse. I feel like people my age are so scared about the real world outside college, and our problems like survival are so heavy that people in that type of situation pick something new to be angry about.
I'll post a link once I'm ready to show everyone what I've been working on. For now, though, is there any trivial dilemma in your life that gets you riled up? What action could you take to hit the core issue(s)?
Friday, February 13, 2015
Diary of a Procrastinator Entry 3B: Break time
Break time.
Today, I felt truly at peace. Until I got started with my homework. I find it hard to grasp what is going on and how to keep looking at the same problem without wanting to tear out any hair.
Every source of drama seems to pale in comparison to the giant pile of work that's in front of me.
Readings, problems, conjugations. In the spirit of Friday the 13th before Valentine's Day, it was inevitable to seek solace in sugar and caffeine from Starbucks.
It seemed that my typical cycle of the semester had sped up. Every former nemeses' had either little to no impact on my well being, and every assignment weighed on me, making me feel mentally tired and drowsy. Maybe it was just me, but maybe my personality was rubbing off on others. I heard a guy who does work study suddenly turn on his charm and talk to people. He talked to a little girl the way I usually would talk, and all these other people. He even apologized to one person and said, Sorry I'm a mess today. This dude never says sorry and used to disparage me when I said sorry. Maybe people can be impacted. Or maybe it's all in my head. Does it matter though? Of course not, because I am drenched with assignments. My organization had paid off, and I feel like I understand what I am learning in my math class.
I don't think anyone reads this blog. All my viewers must be myself checking this thing from time to time. But if anyone is, my question would be to those viewers: Do you think that you can influence others?
Today, I felt truly at peace. Until I got started with my homework. I find it hard to grasp what is going on and how to keep looking at the same problem without wanting to tear out any hair.
Every source of drama seems to pale in comparison to the giant pile of work that's in front of me.
Readings, problems, conjugations. In the spirit of Friday the 13th before Valentine's Day, it was inevitable to seek solace in sugar and caffeine from Starbucks.
It seemed that my typical cycle of the semester had sped up. Every former nemeses' had either little to no impact on my well being, and every assignment weighed on me, making me feel mentally tired and drowsy. Maybe it was just me, but maybe my personality was rubbing off on others. I heard a guy who does work study suddenly turn on his charm and talk to people. He talked to a little girl the way I usually would talk, and all these other people. He even apologized to one person and said, Sorry I'm a mess today. This dude never says sorry and used to disparage me when I said sorry. Maybe people can be impacted. Or maybe it's all in my head. Does it matter though? Of course not, because I am drenched with assignments. My organization had paid off, and I feel like I understand what I am learning in my math class.
I don't think anyone reads this blog. All my viewers must be myself checking this thing from time to time. But if anyone is, my question would be to those viewers: Do you think that you can influence others?
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