Diary of a Procrastinator: Entry 1

Four days until my second exam. Six days until my final.

My best friend and I. So many emotions. SO little time. SO much to type. SO much putting off. I had a rough patch and suddenly I am an island of my own. Stranded, in my family, away from sexual influences, I felt stripped of my pseudo identity. My best friend and I. We were universes apart. She led a liberal life while I led a pseudo liberal one. I chose to take the path that was lonely. I felt empowered at first and then the pain came after the high. I don't even feel anything anymore. I just look at the task at hand. It almost seems infinite. The goal at hand.

She wants to be a mom. She wants to help out others. She wants to make art.

I know the right thing to do would be to stay away from her.

I know that I should be working on my life, my exam, my online class that I paid my own money for to make sure I would keep my promise. But then I thought, what is art?

Am I making art out of pain?

My best friend and her long term boyfriend decided to part ways.  I was jealous at first, at how this new guy in her life was not ashamed of her. I could write dissertations of what I put myself through with my own personal life, but I realize that I didn't want a relationship in the first place, yet I didn't want to be lonely. SO I chose people in my situation. I hate myself. I'm overcoming that by stripping away my social and personal life from the equation.

How did I meet my best friend?

We were in middle school gym class together. THose were the days where life had the luxury of being 'boring.' Our classes had parties, our tests were fun, and gym was an actual class. I did not have any friends who were girls at the time. My other best friend, John was into his own things, like Civilization 4 and The Games Workshop. Sometimes in gym class, I would sit at my assigned place, and I would see this girl in front of me in her assigned place. She looked like my preschool bully, Lilly. I smiled at her. She smiled back. I don't know how we got into a conversation, but she became my best friend. We went to the same high school together. I did my own thing. I liked art and math. I was a loner. None of my friends stood up to me when I got bullied and that made me feel more alone.  I tried to reach out to her a few times in 10th grade, but she only called me when she needed to know what the homework was in a mutual class. In my senior year of highschool, I went through a personal event and decided to make an ultimatum that she had to remain in contact with me on a frequent basis otherwise I didn't want to be friends with her.

In college, we spent our freshman year in the same college. She got into art. I pursued pre-med. Even through the hard time, running into her on campus made my day brighter. When she decided to drop out,  I was initially in favor of both of us growing apart and figuring out who we were as individuals. But now, I feel tongue tied because I haven't been the best student, yet I wish she would go back to school and pursue an actual career. I'm scared that if I tell her that she needs to take action on what she wants to do, that she might not want to reach out to me for a while. I know plenty of guys who would be more than happy to marry her. I know I would marry her if that would make her happy, but her still being in the midst of developing herself and/ or trying to build a sustaining career is somehow bothering me.